Dear Larry,

I seriously need some help. I’m painfully unathletic, but my friend signed me up to play gym volleyball for some reason. That’s not the problem, though. The problem is that every time this one guy hits the ball, he aims it directly at my face without fail. I try to guard my face, but there’s no use. He spikes it at me every single day to the point I’ve gotten socked in the face by him at least four times a gym game. Does he have it out for me because I keep flinging the ball across the room? I think so. I genuinely don’t think my nose can take another hit, so my question is, do I file a HIB report? For the sake of me not having to get a nose job for my newly deformed nose, PLEASE send help…

Sincerely, 

Bruise-covered freshman girl

Dear bruised freshman girl,

First of all, ouch. When my friends and I play fungus ball (the mushroom version of volleyball), we’d be lucky to get a face ball even once every couple of games. Second, this guy has got to have crazy good aim to hit you in the face multiple times a game, so I must admit that’s very impressive. Okay, back to your question. I would say instead of filing a report against him, practice your aim against a wall for a week and spike him in the face back. Nothing screams, “stop hitting me in the face,” like intentionally hitting him dead in the face. My friends and I once threw acorns at a deer that kept eating our friends. Very effective, you know. Let me know how it goes. Good luck!

Love,

Larry