OHHH MYYY LOOOORDDD. Someone please come help me. Please tell me that there is still love in this world. My whole heart has been crushed. Every last inch. I need a medic.

Well, I guess Arie realized that he needed to *spice things up* otherwise he would be remembered by Bachelor Nation as The Most Boring Bachelor of All Time. After all, he pulls the most ridiculous stunt I have ever seen in all my seasons of watching reality tv.

Before we get started on THAT drama, which I am not even sure I should begin to talk about, keeping my heart health in mind, we have got to recap what happened on the dates.

Lauren B. and Arie go to MACHU PICCHU!! One of the SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD! Lauren B. and Arie weirdly run through Machu Picchu and the cameraman is forced to chase after them. And I am just like: ancient ruin? One of the seven wonders of the world? What happened to respect? In contrast, Arie takes Becca on a walk throughout the city. I think Arie decided to take Lauren B. on a much more extravagant date to balance out the blandness of their conversation. On the other hand, he could have fun with Becca anywhere.

Both their dates are O.K.

When Lauren B. meets Arie’s parents, they love her. But when Becca meets Arie’s parents, they love her too. It is clear to me, and probably the rest of Bachelor Nation, that there is no way Becca is winning this thing because every woman who married into Arie’s family is a blonde. Sorry, Becca.

Well, spoiler alert, Becca does win. Kind of. Arie proposes and there was not a wet eye in the house. I ALWAYS cry at this show. WHY AM I NOT CRYING!? Something is wrong here. And it’s not just because Chris Harrison keeps saying that this will be the MOST dramatic finale ever, I have a gut feeling. And NOT TO MENTION her rose literally BREAKS as they are leaving hand-in-hand. If that is not a bad omen, I don’t know what is.

It’s easy to see why he picks Becca over Lauren B. Even though his family likes both women, everyone knows that Becca is the better candidate for a wife. Arie felt like he would be taking a risk if he chose to marry Lauren B. because he does not know her as well. (Hmm, I wonder why… maybe it’s because she doesn’t speak??)

Turns out, Becca’s happiness was too good to be true. She gets ambushed by Arie and a team of Bachelor producers and cameramen at a “Happy Couple Weekend” they were supposed to have together. Arie confronts her telling her about his intense feelings for Lauren B., and that he spoke to her and she felt the same way. Arie tells Becca he wants to call off their engagement. GASP.

Becca is reasonably upset, as she knew that Arie was going to reach out to Lauren B., and that he was having a tough time with their breakup, but she thought it was only for closure. Very impressively, she does not hit him, she simply starts to cry and asks him to leave. Arie does leave, and then comes back, and proceeds to follow her around the house. Becca continually asks him to leave. (All of this is footage is unedited which KIND of bothers me. It is EXTREMELY cringey and I feel very bad for Becca. The poor girl.)

So then we get Lauren B. and Arie’s reunion. Arie struggles to enter her house, which I do not UNDERSTAND because he already had confirmation from her that she wanted to get back together. He even SAYS that he would not have gone back to her if he was not 100% sure that she wanted to be with him. What a jerk.

The After the Final Rose portion of the finale saved this show. Becca is such a kind soul and handles herself AMAZINGLY when Chris Harrison makes her confront Arie. I love love love love her–she is amazing and I just want all Becca all the time.

I don’t even feel like talking about Lauren B. and Arie together. They are boring. I am happy they ended up together so they don’t have to bother anyone else with their boringness. 🙂

BUT CAN I JUST SAY: how unbelievably RUDE Arie is!? He decides to PROPOSE to Lauren B. ON CAMERA during After the Final Rose. I am sorry but NONE of us care. Literally not one person cares. And WHY did you have to do it on live TV TWO SECONDS after you spoke to the woman you were JUST engaged to. BECCA WAS BACKSTAGE WATCHING ALL OF THIS HAPPEN!! Ugh, I have so much anger.

Let’s just fast forward to the only good part of the episode and the one thing that is getting me through the day: BECCA IS THE NEW BACHELORETTE! AHHHH. I am so excited for her. She is so beautiful and eloquent and kind, and she deserves to find love ESPECIALLY after the way this season ended for her. Her friends from this season come to congratulate her on stage after the announcement and the amount of girl support in the room is tangible, I am so proud.

Also, we get a sneak peek at some of the men in Becca’s season, and they are not half-bad. I truly cannot wait for May 28th. This season was AWFUL and I need something to bring me back to believing in true love.

All in all, I think Becca really won. I would much rather be in Becca’s position than Lauren B.’s.

Rating: 1/5 The ONLY good thing about this episode was Becca being announced as the Bachelorette. If you did not spend the whole time teasing the intense drama, Mr. Chris Harrison, then MAYBE the drama would have been more intense! Because we would not have been expecting it!! Surprise > Suspense

Best Arie Quote: “The more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of maybe reconciling things with Lauren.” Uh, DUH. That’s how it’s supposed to WORK, Arie? You pick one woman to spend the rest of your life with?

Best Quote Overall: “I hope Lauren gets out of that as soon as possible!” —Bekah M. Oh Bekah M., how I have missed you. You called Arie out on all of his lies and I appreciate you for that.