With the holidays right around the corner, one thing is for sure: holiday music will be playing everywhere. I love Christmas music, but there is no denying that some artists should just shut up during the holidays. So before you take over the aux at the family Christmas party, make sure to really sift through that “BEST CHRISTMAS SONGS 2022” playlist before grandma smashes her hearing aids and chooses being deaf over listening to some of these monstrosities. To avoid a crappy holiday (and preserve your grandmother’s hearing), here are the top 5 artists that should be banned from making Christmas music. 

Justin Bieber

Exhibit A: Drummer Boy (ft. Busta Rhymes)

2010s heartthrob Justin Bieber somehow turned a carol about the birth of Jesus into a mediocre rap song. The only thing Bieber is offering Baby Jesus with this song is a headache. Within the first 10-seconds of this cover, I was shocked to hear that the Little Drummer Boy had mixed up his sheet music with his “Club Remix” CD. No seriously, it sounds like club music. 

What I really have a problem with is putting this lyric in a rap song: “It’s crazy how people say, say they don’t care when there’s people on the street with no food, it’s not fair.” First of all, I have never heard anyone say that, and second of all, why don’t you do something about it, Justin? Instead of spending the money on producing a terrible Christmas song and turning a real problem into a “catchy lyric”— just donate the money. 

Maroon 5

Exhibit B: Happy Christmas (War is Over)

Although Maroon 5 stuck to the traditional tune and lyrics, the vocals here were just awful (as most Maroon 5 songs are… I hope they take full offense to that). It was monotone the whole time which made for a very, very boring listen. The song itself wasn’t too bad but there are so many other covers of this song that are much better than this attempt at singing. I’d suggest Celine Dion’s version over this any day. 

Plus, lead singer Adam Levine cheated on his pregnant wife, so war has only just begun for this unhappy couple. 

Lady Gaga

Exhibit C: Christmas Tree (ft. Space Cowboy)

Gaga’s “original” single totally ripped off the rhythm of Deck the Halls, modernized it, changed the lyrics, and then called it her own. Not to mention the song is so poorly executed as well. The song is all over the place. The beat of the music doesn’t match with the beat of her singing AT ALL and the tune changes every five seconds. 

If you’re curious what anxiety feels like, take a listen to this song. It’is essentially the Christmas Version of “Milkshake” by Kelis, but worse.  

Exhibit D: A Very Gaga Holiday Album

After releasing that terrible Christmas single, you would have thought Gaga learned her lesson. Unfortunately for us, she did not. Just three years later, she released this monstrosity of an album.

Her ‘White Christmas’ cover sounds like Fergie’s National Anthem fail at the NBA all-star game in 2018. Just when you think it’s finally over, SURPRISE! She adds a whole extra verse that nobody wanted. First of all, you didn’t need to and second of all, please don’t. Sing it normally like everybody else. 

“Orange Colored Sky”, “You and I”, and “The Edge of Glory” aren’t even Christmas songs, nor do they have any references to anything Christmasty/ Holiday theme, so why are they included in this album? Without the “Holiday” it’s just “A Very Gaga” and nobody wants that album either. 

Sia

Exhibit E: Everyday is Christmas Album

Right off the bat, Sia has a very unique voice that just doesn’t mesh well with traditional Christmas songs. Thankfully, she didn’t release any covers and ruin those, but if this album started playing at the family Christmas get together it would totally ruin the spirit. Though the lyrics and the rhythm may be Christmasy for some of the songs, Sia’s voice doesn’t match. This album just didn’t put me in the Christmas spirit and it sounds like something that Claire’s or Justice would play in their stores. Hopefully Sia upgrades to a wig that doesn’t only covers her eyes but covers her mouth too. 

RuPaul

Exhibit F: Christmas Party Album

This album would literally put my grandma in a coma. Enough said. 

BONUS: Fergie

Exhibit G: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Live Performance

Thankfully, Fergie hasn’t released an official Christmas single/album, but let’s just take this live performance as to why she shouldn’t in the future.