Because I Love You

I got you gifts you’ll all hate

Getting people in your life good presents is extremely hard. We all want to give them something thoughtful–something that expresses how much we love them, but when I asked everyone in my family what they wanted, they all said “I don’t need anything” or “I have to think.” But because Christmas is this weekend and, of course, I’m not a mind reader, I decided to quit stressing myself out and have a little fun. Instead of the ‘perfect gift’ that would fill them with joy, I am choosing to give out things I know my loved ones don’t want—some may call it a ‘gag’ gift. Maybe my methods of messing with my family can inspire you to let yourself off the stress hook too.


Younger Sister: Shawn Mendes poster

If you have a loving and caring younger sibling who gets on your nerves on a daily basis, consider buying a gift just as annoying as them. Think about everything that they absolutely despise. I know my sister detests Shawn Mendes so I’m getting her the biggest Shawn Mendes poster I can find. Even though she is mostly nice to me, one of my favorite things in my routine is annoying her to show my love. 


Dad: yoga mat

Picking a gift for the invincible, humorous, and laid-back dads in our lives might be just as difficult as defeating Thanos. In my journey to find the most obnoxious gift for my father, I compiled a list of everything he has said is “stupid” or that doesn’t make sense to him, like ripped jeans (“why cut them?”). I debated just getting him a Big Mac and Diet Coke (“what is the point?”). I had to choose a gift that would irritate him, but not just anything that bothers him. He loves sports and physical activities, but since the only ones that he recognizes as sports are football, soccer, basketball, and volleyball, I’m getting him a yoga mat from his “favorite” store Five Below. I actually hope he tries it out, because he always complains about his back.  


Mom: Uggs…sort of

The task of annoying my parents is one I take with pride and courage, and a risk I take for my own entertainment. My mother is much harder to annoy than my father, since she is mostly unbothered by my daily stupidity. But because she once said fuzzy slides “look like a raccoon stuck onto someone’s foot” I’m going to get her fuzzy slides. Because I don’t want my mother to regret giving birth to me, I also bought her the Ugg slippers she wanted (I’m no dummy).


Grandpa: plastic cactus

While grandparents tell great stories, they are also the ones who give the most random presents (probably because they are constantly confusing you with your sisters, brothers, cousins…), so it is okay to do the same. My grandpa, the most laid back, mellow person you’ll meet, loves music, plants, and watching the news. He is mostly fine with anything because “it’s the thought that counts right?” Thinking of a “surprising” present for him was hard, since the only thing he has ever expressed a hatred toward is fake plants. So I’m going to annoy him with a plastic cactus. The lifeless fake cactus is going to be another shelf decoration building up dust, instead of the real plant he’d love–and maybe this year he’ll stop calling me Nicole.


After you are done being a Scrooge, get the people in your life something thoughtful too, but be sure to give them time to despise your gift. Because I am sure you don’t want to be the most hated person in the house during the happiest time of the year.